Tooth Juice

There are many different juices in the world. Apple, orange, and grape are the all time favorite stand alone juices. Then there are the medley's that mix all kinds of delicious fruits to satisfy the thirst for something exotic. And of course there is what Dave Chapelle calls "drink." You know, purple, orange, or red food colored/sugar filled punches that come in gallon sized plastic milk containers. Tampico is my favorite "drink" and an under appreciated hangover remedy to boot. A warning though... the amount of sugar you'll consume while trying to rehydrate your body with this secret orange mixture will actually work against you magnifying the diarrhea that's keeping you glued to the toilet courtesy of the night before. "What's this all about Marcos? I don't need a damn juice lesson!" Well I'm here to introduce a new juice to the market. One that you can make yourself, like a hooch brew concocted in the Dukes of Hazzard-like distillery hidden in your bedroom closet. May I present tooth juice.

Now tooth juice is a by-product of your current diet so the initial investment is quite minimal. Unless of course your a self-denying natural freak who eats nothing but veggies and meat. In that case you might have to trade in a sack or two for some sugary sweets like candy, pastries, and soda. The goal is to get your mouth, specifically your teeth and gums, in a bacteria friendly state so that each tooth and the associated gum area surrounding the root becomes a pool of infected saliva. Though the damage cause by this dentist-defying cesspool will probably cause your health insurance providers to prevent you from signing up next "Open Season", the fruit of your labor will be well worth it next time you are in the mood for a warm drink of something different.

"How did you discover this?" you ask. It's simple really. I've been a dental insurance derelict for quite awhile. As full coverage for your teeth is not offered through many employers these days, it's up to the employee to actively search for an insurance provider to have a healthy smile. That meant too much work for me and since nobody was giving anything away, what was the point? Meanwhile my teeth and gums were battling cookies, ice cream, alcohol, gum, cigarettes, and all other enamel destroying evil forces. Then last year work came through with discounted dental plans and just like the cheap ass consumer that I am, I jumped all over the deal. So I decide to go for a check up a few months ago to get a little return on my investment. I was obviously expecting bad things since it had been a few years since my last visit, but I'm thinking a few cavities and maybe an extraction was the worse that could happen given the consultation I had years earlier. When the dentist goes to work he's like a pro wrestler standing on the turnbuckle punching me in the face....1-2-3-4-5-6 fillings at least and that original extraction. Shit! After a little more pounding I escape the round. More consultation about what's next and I'm free, feeling like I've just been to the confessional and now have to do my penance. I thought I'd be good until round 2, but apparently the cleaning jarred something loose and I started to feel pain on a regular basis. Stinging pain that would hurt like hell then go away after a few agonizing hours if luck was on my side. And then there was the taste of tooth juice.

Do you remember what blood tastes like? I'm sure you at least know it's kind of warm and tastes weird. It's like your brain recognizes what it is, though your tongue can only compare it to the stuff you regularly eat. Tooth juice is like that. You may be eating lunch or plain swallowing and all of a sudden there's this sour warm liquid in your mouth. Kinda gross, kind of interesting. Then you suck your saliva a little more and get that same taste to ponder what it is, but you don't want to indulge because you know it might be evil leaking out of your brain or it might make you puke. Evil pleasure! Thank you Mr. Dentist.

After this last visit I've discovered new pains, an open bill to my new mouth DR., and tooth juice. Scientifically, tooth juice is the pus/liquid from an infection in the gums caused by the bacteria rotting your teeth. What I've been tasting is the little bit seeping out when the infected pocket is squeezed like a zit. Gross! Yesterday I even got to smell it. At first I thought the dentist had bad breath or body odor as he hovered over my face. Then he stepped back and mentioned what the funk was, obviously smelling it as well. Thank God he's a pro because had it been me, I might not have been able to take staring in somebody's mouth at an open pus-filled sore. I joked he must have the same iron gut that morticians have, but alas, dentists find solace in being immune to what comes out of people's mouths.

So now it's available to you. Not for $99, $89, $79... But for $5 of candy and very limited oral hygiene, you too can make your own tooth juice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legal Statement:

Marcos is not saying you should not brush, floss, or use mouthwash. This is in no way encouraging bad hygiene and should be used for entertainment purposes only!