10 Ways To Get Rid Of A Pet
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10 Ways To Get Rid Of An Unwanted Pet
Sometimes in life you just have to own up to making a mistake. Like when you bought that brand new car and realized a few months later that the monthly payments coupled with the rising cost of gas were putting you in the poor house. At some point you need to admit your bad decision and cut your losses, perhaps trading in your rig for something cheaper or selling it altogether. Pet ownership can be a decision you end up regretting as well due to the fact that there are many situations where owning a pet is an inconvenience. Perhaps your job requires you to travel more giving making it harder to care for Scruffy. You may need to move but the housing market frowns on pets. Maybe your girlfriend is a snaggletooth ho and you want to get the hell out of your relationship because you might kill her if you don't. In any case, if you have a pet and need to get rid of it I'm here to help.
I've compiled 10 sure fire ways to get rid of a pet. No need to worry about filling out SPCA questionnaires or putting an ad on Craigslist in hopes that some pet lover will step forward to save the day. My methods are 100% guaranteed and will cost you almost nothing, save a few tears while you say you're last goodbyes setting little Fluffy, Rex, or Biscuit away.
- 1. Open The Door: The most popular method of getting rid of an unwanted pet is opening the front door or yard gate at home. The call of the wild will be too much for your pet to resist and they will chase freedom like Hillary Clinton chases false hope. If you live on a busy street you may want to give your pet a fighting chance so perhaps a neighbor's house would be a better place to create separation. And don't forget to remove any identification. Obviously, you're not trying to get it back.
- 2. Take Them To The 3rd World Part Of Town: In most cities there are areas where foreigners live. As the American diet and level of income necessary to eat off Safeway's shelves are not yet accessible, a pet is a welcomed old school snack. Best part about this option is that there will be no evidence left as the circle of life is completed.
- 3. Drop Them Off At The Park: It's a fact that kids love pets. Where are kids especially that it's summer time? The park. So take your pet to the park and let them go. Some kid will find your pet and take it home and of course no parent can say no to a kid can who can beg for hours on end. Why not let those little snotty nosed brats do the dirty work for you?
•4. Have A Party: Some pets love beer. Throw a kegger and let the good times roll if your animal is one of these booze hounds. If they OD from Pabst or grab your keys and crash your car like Toonces the Driving Cat then so be it. It was their decision to get wasted, right?
•5. If You're Pet Is Cute Enough, Find A Celebrity Or A Bum: Let's face it, folks who make their living off people in the streets need all the help they can get. Paris Hilton pimps her little pooch for a few extra paparazzi flashes in her direction. Something about having a cute pet makes everyone more attractive. Even the homeless hippy kids in the Haight have dogs and I'm sure the only the way they avoid eating their own feces is by ho-ing out their mutts for Cha Cha Cha's leftovers.
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•6. Be A Victim Of A Natural Disaster: When Hurricane Katrina went down and thousands of pets had to be left behind as their owners barely escaped with their own lives, an army of volunteers came from all over the country to rescue stray pets from the perilous flood waters. The best thing about natural disasters is that society's rules go out the window so if even if you forget to take your pet's ID off prior to saving your own scrawny behind rescuers will make one half ass attempt at reconciling you with your pet and then quickly give up choosing to assume ownership instead.
•7. Fake An Allergy: Allergies are life savers sometimes because they are your body's way of telling you to get out of an uncomfortable situation. If you develop an allergy to your pet one day, even if you have been symptomless for years, people will help you get rid of your pet because they know if they don't you can get seriously ill. Eye drops, make-up, and hot sauce are all tools to fake a nasty allergic reaction to your pet.
•8. Enter A Pet Race: If a thoroughbred injures itself during a race they off the poor bastard and send it to the glue factory. Of course if it wins, the horse goes on to glory and breeds with prime mates to carry on the champion's legacy. Not sure if all pet competitions are the same but with risk there is reward. Maybe the Westminster Dog Show will be your out clause.
•9. Wrestle An Alligator: Pets can be very protective of their owners. My coworker Cal loves to tell the story about a pooch who saved his drowning master in Florida but was unable to escape the clutches of an oncoming alligator. Perhaps your pet will trade its life for yours if you too are confronted by a man eating lizard with razor sharp teeth and a penchant for Scooby snacks.
•10. Donate To Science: Monkeys use to be all the rage in medical testing, but I guess it turns out that our primitive ancestors are too well loved by fans of "Every Which Way But Loose" to allow contracts renewal. Who else will test amazing products like pepper spray, Viagra, and microwaveable egg rolls? Your pet! Not only will you receive a stipend for signing over Princess's life you'll have the comfort of knowing your former best friends works 12 hour days ensuring the safety of disposable products. Sweet!
Note: This Blog Is Not To Be Taken Seriously! As Bob Barker from The Price Is Right would say... "Have your pets spayed or neutered today."
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very funny,i needed a laugh.I do have a dog i have to get rid of.no,i'm not letting it go!!don't know what i'm doing-very sad!!!
will this work on southerners.i have a hillbilly problem.can they be trained????
This is not even funny. You should eat bleach and die.
this is the funniest thing i have ever read. YOU ARE AWESOME
Not funny
the bird video is great !!!
Great, those annoying animals finally come to an end, it's better not to get any pet in the first place though, but anyway, who cares if some dogs die on the street, there are thousands of homeless people out there, compared to people, those dogs and cats are nothing, they can die for all people care.
You are a moronic jacka$$. Someone should have left your front gate open when you were a child.
This is only humor folks - lighten up! Sure we get pissed when our pet act us and occasionally really want to get rid of them, but we won't cuz we're stuck with them and deep down we love the effin critters.
Who the hell are you!, this is not humor! some people read it and take it seriously, some people don't even read the comments to think it's humor! between putting them to sleep, and your fucked up list, I swear I'd rather move than get rid of the pet.
No wonder people are so afraid of commitment, Jesus, it's okay to get away with murder as long as it's not human huh. Take it down, delete it this article is not good, YOU made a bad decision by putting this up
Matthew
You know, I can't do any of these things. I want to get rid of my 2 cats. I've had one of them for 7 years, the other for 3 years. Honestly, I want them gone, but it's hard. My older cat throws up on the floor and she urines near her litter box. The other one just throws up. I've tried changing their food, brushing their hair, giving them hairball control. I can't afford to get either one of them to the vet. I'm tired of cleaning after them and they continuously ruin my carpet. The stains look disgusting and I'm tired of smelling ammonia in the morning. I wish there was a better way to manage them. I'm so irritated, I am two seconds from utilizing options 1-3. Just being honest.
It's satire, you dumb f**ks. It's poking fun at the sh1t-for-brains idiots who put about as much forethought into adopting an animal as they put into picking their noses. Obviously, this couldn't possibly be aimed at YOU...
i have a dog ...and i seriously want to get rid of it ....as he is not at all faithfull with me as he bits me every second day and have made my life hell ....plzzzzzz give me some suggestions .....other than leaving him...... as i have done that many a times and he came back every time
I realize you think this is humorous but as you can see many people go into pet ownership unprepared for pet responsibility- and many of the options you list are things they have or will try, remember people suck,and comparing a live creature to an inanimate object is wrong.
to everyone else out there- you chose the responsibility of pet ownership- this is a live creature that is totally dependent upon you and you would just decide to throw it out because you're bored-grow up- man -up and take responsibility- if your pets are sick, take them to the doctor, they'll take payments- i've had to do it myself, my sin gets allergy shots so he can live with the cats we adopted before we knew he had allergies, if your dog bites, take him to obedience classes-and if you really really can't meet your obligations, go online and find a non kill rescue- and don't ever get another pet, we are supposed to be the evolved beings here - yes spay and neuter your pet, but if you are not in it for a life time- don't get one to begin with.
I am going to do this no joke yo. These are some good ideas lol. I got 2 fuckin dogs n 2 cats. Now the cats i dont mind, but i cant take the babysitting of these dogs 24/7. Bottom line is, I am fuckin up my life more if i keep em so.
Ok so this was a joke article. I will try out #1,#2,#3. He is a hazard and shit bites the cats i mean wtf yo
This has to be the rudest site I have ever been on. How dare you irresponsible people live with yourself. KARMA Buddy right back at you when you get old,family decides you are to much trouble, HA! two fold!
I pitty all of you who agrees with this, you are a sad bunch of people
This is horrible adveice, anyone who would do thesethings is obviously not right.
Let them run free!!! Good idea , the easy answers are a better fit for me, ????
Why would you do any of these things??? The person who wrote this was a retard!!! This is not funny AT ALL!!! save pets!!
my grandmothers cat is like retarded old, half broken leg, skinny as ****.. something is seriously wrong with her, she just recently 'stoped' using the litter box and now shes droppin carpet bombs... its 85 degrees outside with the humidity index at about nasal burning torture.... funny thing is, she still urinates in the litter box.. is this cat funkin with me!? scratch all those other posts,, when i smelled the crap i just picked up it made me want to throw her in the microwave along with all the contents of the silverware drawer... honestly id rather get puched in the face then smell that ever again.. again, its not my cat, and i dont condone violence against animals, otherwise i would have changed its name to sparky 15 min ago.. well shes been craping at the front door for about a week now, at our front door there is a 4x4 entrance way between the front and inside door, she craped in that little area, i swear i could have killed her.... the smell... omg.. it was like a 200 proof shot of everclear... i picked it up and desposed of it.. but i left a smear behind and shut the inside door, the next person that opens that door is gonna get a dose of reality.. she needs to be put down, seriously. no joke.. all you animal pamperers can kiss my a$$, for real... this snit is brutal. its like mollys mud pie bakery over here. makes me wanna kill "myself" it smells so bad.
but if i had to choose one of those options ubove, i think i would let an animal run free.. it would be the most humane thing to do.. after all they are animals.. maybe consider this, its imprisoned in your house, lol. yeah go ahead and take your pet to the spca with the wishful thinking that maybe a family will come along and adopt your pet, they just kill it when vacancy runs out... id rather free the damn thing and give it a chance at living in the great outdoors than send it directly to the executioner..
nicko guzman 3 years ago
Absolutely not.It is cruel to let a pet go because some stray away and become nuisances.The people complain,the animal control comes and usually means bye bye life.